It’s all a bit of a shit show online today isn’t it?
This post was intended to go out yesterday, but I wanted to add to it, and then this morning happened. So far, one of my best friends has been asked why she ‘doesn’t fight back’ when she’s being groped by a man. Another has been, in the first few lines of a first message on a dating site, been asked what her ethnicity is, because and I quote ‘#meghanmess’. One person I considered a friend (I’m now not sure, because at some point I’m going to have to call her on it) has referred to said mess, asking ‘why don’t the ginge and the whinge shut up?’.
And the entirety of the female of the species has effectively been gaslit because what happened to Sarah Everard is ‘incredibly rare’.
Love. Please, ask any woman you know and you’ll hear stories. And this stuff starts with the basic infringement on our existence through catcalling, persistently asking a woman out/hitting on her, and yes, in extreme cases, ends in murder. The quote from Margaret Atwood is “Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.” Swap laugh at them for reject them, and it’s the same.
Rape convictions are so low, it’s not a deterrent. Women aren’t being believed.
So I’ve re-written this. Whilst the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s interview and the Sarah Everard case may be two completely different things, they’re both just as important. One is entirely misogyny, the other is misogynoir, tinged with a little of the ingrained disbelief when it comes to suicide and mental health issues. It’s a virtual battle on all fronts. Or at least existing online feels like it at the moment.
Let’s skim over Meghan. I have no time for the Royals. I don’t really care. They should have been abolished several decades ago. Fuck the excuse ‘they bring in money’. It’s not enough. I, personally, have moved on from our colonial past, would prefer some reparations were made for being the complete and utter dicks we were as a nation. Slavery, ‘conquering’ new lands, rape of national treasures, indoctrinated racism etc. But unfortunately I don’t make those sorts of decisions, so here we are.
But why do we not believe her over her mental health and feeling suicidal? Both Harry and William have mentioned it before, their battles over their mum’s death, and that’s been generally accepted? How much of it is because she’s a woman? And how much of it is because of her race? I’m inclined to the latter simply over the ‘shock’ expressed by people over the comments made about the skin colour of the baby. Really? A monarchy in power through hundreds of years of colonialism being racist is a surprise to people?
I repeat. Women aren’t being believed.
As a side note, why do I need to go on regular training courses around racism, equality, and unconscious bias as standard in my organisation, but these idiots – the ones in parliament and those at the ahem head of our country, don’t have to?
Sure, they’re all in places of money and power. They all have huge privilege, and Meghan and Harry were able to move away. To remove themselves from the situation, and talk about it on international TV.
But this isn’t just a royal thing. Racism in this country is rife as fuck. You’d have to be blind, or actually racist yourself not to realise it. There are no consequences for it. ‘Our’ Prime minister is chief among them, but perhaps it’s because there are so many racists in our country we’re willing to accept it? Let me be clear. Whoever you are, you are no better than anybody else. Sorry. You’re not. Your skin colour, the money in your account, your education, your fancy car. Your specialist subject on Mastermind. They make you different, sure. But you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Now that’s covered in part, and you’re big enough and ugly enough to hit google and educate yourself when it comes to learning how not to be a giant racist, let’s move onto the other subject. The misogyny. And this one is for the lads, because I’m damn sure ladies and femmes, we’re good with this right? We experience it, we deal with it, we go to therapy over it. Whilst we have a part to play in eradicating it, we need back up. And for those who are non-binary, I’m pretty sure they get it too. So gents, this one is for you.
HAVE OUR FUCKING BACKS.
I’m sure you, reading this are a ‘good guy’. You understand rape is bad. Murder is bad. And yes, the statistics for us ever ending up like poor Sarah Everard (rest in peace darling girl) are low. BUT what you gents need to understand is that this isn’t just about the extreme stuff. It starts small.
Entitlement, the belief that your pleasure is the be all and end all – the majority if porn is tailored for the male experience, not ours. The belief that persistence gets you the girl. Ask how many women have given into sex or a date just to get the guy to shut the fuck up or leave them alone. In relationships too. I bet there are more than you think.
Catcalling – this isn’t about sex it’s about power. It’s about making women feel afraid, or pissed off. Because that’s what it does. What’s perhaps scarier is that as a teenager, this was considered a right of passage, a good thing. Even though it was a bunch of thirty something blokes leering our their van at a group of 14 year olds. Helloooo paedos.
Dick pics. Oh my god. I don’t know of any woman who sees a dick pic and immediately responds with something of her own. I’m still trying to figure out if this is the most ridiculous attempt at getting sex ‘I sent you my dick, and it’s just my dick, so there’s no investment of energy, or time from me, so when she rejects me it’s OK, because rejection is the worst thing in the world’. Or if it’s more like a power thing. ‘Ha bitch, here’s my dick when you didn’t ask for it’.
But the problem isn’t all that this happens. It’s that it’s acceptable. You’re the guy sitting in the van when you’re mate catcalls and you don’t say a thing. You think it’s funny that your mate is hitting on schoolkids.
You’re the guy who watched Piers Morgan on a breakfast TV program, even though you knew he was a racist and misogynist who lauds Churchill (also a racist and a misogynist who voted against women’s right to vote THREE times), but enjoyed it for the bants.
You’re the one whose mate continues to hit on that girl in the club til she gives in because she just wants to exist in peace and have a drink and a good time, and gives him her number. It’s a fake number because she was intimidated enough to give in, but really doesn’t want to know. But you just watched.
Your mate is the one who made the suggestive joke at work, and the girl laughs self consciously because she doesn’t want to cause a fuss, even though it was awful and made her feel like shit. And you just stood there.
Your mate sends dick picks to to women online, and you both laugh.
None of this is a good look love.
STEP UP.
It’s 2021. Don’t just talk the talk. Walk the fucking walk. Not just because you have a mum, sister, friends, a daughter. But because women are fucking human beings too.