Over the last few years, things have changed. Mentally, physically. Whilst I’ve not hit the menopause yet, I’m becoming more and more aware that it’s around the corner.
I mean, we expect it don’t we? Lines, grey hairs, your period stops and then you get the hot flushes and stuff, right? Wrong. So wrong.
It’s what nobody talks about really. The menopause itself only starts when you’ve not had a period for 12 months. Before that you can start with symptoms classed as the perimenopause. Oh yes, everything happens kind of gradually. In my case so slowly that it snuck up on me – a good long run up. And even now, despite going to my GP blood tests, everything still shows my hormones as ‘within normal levels’.
Screw that. I’m going through it now. I am perimenopausal – no surprise given I’m 42 this year.
My mum isn’t around to talk about it with, so I’m kind of floundering a little bit in new territory. So this is a chance to vent a little. Plus, everyone’s symptoms are different. I’m going to talk about mine, not just because they’re the ones I’m experiencing, but also because had I known what the fuck was going on, I’d have at least had an explanation.
So in no particular order…
Brain fog. You know when you’ve got a bit of a cold, you feel a bit like your brain is stuffed full of cotton wool? Welcome to daily life. Caffeine can help, so can some nootropics, but it’ll still creep in. This was where everything started for me. A general fuzziness. I’ve reached the point where it’s now pretty much standard operating procedure. Fluffiness around the edges.
Tiredness. Sometimes, I want to lie down in the middle of the corridor at work and go to sleep. I could nap anywhere. I’ve never really had an issue with sleeping, but now often at around 4am I’m awake, and all those worries about life and what you’ve said to who, and what emails you’ve got to deal with in the morning, all start flitting around my mind. I’d love to say that the two are totally related, but I can also have a really good deep sleep and wake up feeling bleary eyed and knackered.
Weight gain. That’s been…. Frustrating. I don’t mind my weight changing, but I’d been pretty static for a while, and now it’s up a fair chunk, and I’ve had to say goodbye to some very loved clothes. I’ll miss them.
Forgetfulness. This is the worst bit for me. I’ve always had a bit of a disconnect between my brain and my mouth. When I’m tired, when I’m unwell, I can struggle to get thoughts from my brain all the way down to voice them. This block now so much worse, it strikes when it feels like it. And it doesn’t stop there. I forget names, I can picture faces and totally fail to bring their name forward to voice it. I forget to do things, I forget where I’ve put stuff, if I’ve done stuff. I’ve found coping mechanisms (reminders, snoozing emails to pop up at appropriate times and apologising profusely to friends in advance of fucking stuff up) but it’s another layer of stuff to do to make sure I do stuff I need to do.
The last thing to go wonky is perhaps my actual period. What they don’t tell you is that as you head to the perimenopause and the menopause itself, you could really do with upping your protein intake. And if like me you train a lot, then you need to up it a lot. Even my coach has raised an eyebrow at how much I need to function, but if I don’t eat it, my periods go absolutely haywire, my PMT turns me into some sort of crying, shouting, carb craving raving monster (more than usual), and I can’t lift. And whilst my periods are meant to go off cycle at some point, they’re not really ready to yet.
That’s it, so far. Around the corner I may well have the other classic symptoms to come – the hot flushes, night sweats, insomnia. Delightful.
In the meantime, I’m doing a lot of reading, a lot of research (there’s really not enough out there), I’m changing what I eat to help manage symptoms – and researching supplements. And overall trying to adapt around this slightly fuzzier around the edges me.